painting idea

'I know it well; therefore I proceed almost as freely as if I
were writing my thoughts in a diary. You would say, I should have been
superior to circumstances; so I should- so I should; but you see I was
not. When fate wronged me, I had not the wisdom to remain cool: I
turned desperate; then I degenerated. Now, when any vicious
simpleton excites my disgust by his paltry ribaldry, I cannot
flatter myself that I am better than he: I am forced to confess that
he and I are on a level. I wish I had stood firm- God knows I do!
Dread remorse when you are tempted to err, Miss Eyre; remorse is the
poison of life.'
'Repentance is said to be its cure, sir.'
'It is not its cure. Reformation may be its cure; and I could
reform- I have strength yet for that- if- but where is the use of
thinking of it, hampered, burdened, cursed as I am? Besides, since
happiness is irrevocably denied me, I have a right to get pleasure out
of life: and I will get it, cost what it may.'